To hold or not to hold the space

Hi everyone,

After the sessions, I often hear, “thank you for holding the space,” and although I know this is meant as a genuine appreciation, and I also know that I am, in fact, a strong space holder)), there has been a part of me that struggled to really receive it, to feel it land as something meaningful rather than something slightly uncomfortable.

So I have been sitting with that phrase, trying to understand what it actually means to me beyond how it is often used.

Holding space, at least as I experience it, is not passive and is not simply about listening. It is a very active state in the therapist's body, where I am tracking my own sensations, emotions, and internal responses while also being fully present with another person. I notice the smallest shifts in their breathing, posture, tone, and the way their energy moves while listening to what they are saying, following patterns, and sensing where to pause, where to stay, and where to guide the process toward a deeper understanding gently.

At the same time, it is about creating safety and co-regulating together. We are wired for this as human beings, our nervous systems constantly reading each other, so holding the space becomes less about what is said and more about what is offered through being. It is about embodying a state that is calm, grounded, and clear enough that another system can begin to settle.

It is not simple work. It asks for self-awareness, self-healing, life experience, and ongoing practice, because you are always meeting another person through your own system.

What I began to understand, actually through my own therapy, is why this compliment was difficult for me to accept.

There is a part of me shaped by a very direct, rational, action-oriented cultural background, where movement and visible results are valued. From that place, the idea of holding space without producing something immediate can feel pointless, even like a waste of time. Even if I consciously disagreed with that, the imprint was still there.

There is also something interesting in language. I still do not have a satisfying translation for “holding space” in Russian. It sounds natural in English, but when I try to carry it into another language, it loses its depth. In Hebrew, though, I can say something like “let’s sit with that,” and it feels much closer, more natural, more embodied.

Learning to trust a way of being that is not driven by urgency or the need to fix, and allowing presence itself to be enough. Learning to lean into parts of myself that are steady and not reactive, even when that feels unfamiliar.

Thank you for being part of this community.

Warmly,

Anna